Life

thank god for artists

Mon, 04 Jan 2010 22:14:45 GMT

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

William Ernest Henley

that time has come

Sat, 02 Jan 2010 03:49:29 GMT

to walk that road... and throw in the towel.
i am beginning to loathe you... but i'm beginning to be serious about it. and i feel bad.
sorry for giving you the ultimatem (sp?) but i don't think i could ever just be best friends.
it's like torture and it's cruel. you just don't understand that.

how is being honest that hard? i don't care if you hurt my feelings, hurt them!
let me go, let me move on. let me have some closure. all it takes is one phrase you don't even have to phrase it harshly. "i do not and won't ever feel the same". and i will be gone. that's all it takes. what are you waiting for?

"do you want me to wait? what? i wish you'd get that i won't be here forever"
"regardless what you do you will always be one of my best friends."

i guess you don't understand what a best friend is. this is a stupid little mind fuck game to you. well mr. sprague i am done getting my mind fucked. and although it's painful i need to not talk to you anymore. p.s. maybe you shouldn't try to call me at 3 am piss drunk and try to get me to come over and snuggle-i'm sure someone wouldn't appreciate it.

frustration

Tue, 29 Dec 2009 09:21:14 GMT

i love you, RETARD.
i really don't understand how you can not get that.
blah blah blah don't hate me... that's all i ever hear
minus the drunk text messages...
i like you better drunk and that is so severly wrong.
this is kind of really wrong i am in the same place yet again...
same story new person. man up. if you feel the same i wish you would at least just come out with it. if not than be my real friend (that i miss) and come out with it.
but a year and a half... almost 2 years later and you're still kind of around...
why are you still here? why aren't you gone yet? is there a reason? if so maybe you should, i dunno... let me know? you've never had the courage to tell me straight out that you don't care about me you always tip toe around it when i try to get it out. you tell me not to hate you. well, why shouldn't i be mad? you threw in the towel so quickly and never even let me know. nice. maybe i'm just crazy, really. maybe you never even cared to begin with maybe it was just your real sprague imsuchagoodperson act. I feel like i don't know you anymore or maybe i never even did if that was the case. how does treating me like that make you a good person, just keeping me around.
in my sick masicistic heart i want to believe that you are full of goodness and love.
but i'm also beginning to think recently... how can i? after all this- i don't even know what- distance? i have no clue how you feel. i'm starting to realize i have no clue how i feel. you used to be the one who made me smile- i'm not sure where that person went or if he's still there. he's consumed with work and that's all he can talk about that and making small talk. i can't talk to you the way i want to. i am not attatched to you bc we had sex like you might think. i'm attatched because i felt like you understood me and i could understand you. ya know? like we were in our own little world...just talking. but maybe i'm going to admit it was a fluke, a sham, a whatever. i can get over sex especially sex that's a mistake... i guess i just didn't think of you as a mistake. today you texted me saying im sorry we didn't get to hang out... i said mhm. but what i really wanted to say was no you're not! just stop pretending like you care and be honest! or if you do than be honest with me at least just so i know. the truth is that i'm so mad at you! i've never been so mad or frustrated that i just can't say anything. so mad for no real reason other than you just don't give a shit about this friendship anymore, and you used to. i'm beginning to lose faith in the friendship we once had and that's sad. I've never tried to work so hard on a friendship...i'm beginning to ask myself why am i? what's the use. if you said jump i'd probably jump over mt. washington to hang out with you. when would you or have you ever done that for me? i feel like a classic fool, yet again. I don't even know why i feel this way, those damn shoes. i feel like you think i'll wait around forever, what you don't get is that you're about to lose me because if things don't start looking up... i'm going to start walking a road away from you... and you're going to lose me. if you ever wanted me to begin with. i miss the person that brought a smile to my face by being himself. i tod you today i didn't get you. you said sane sometimes i forget myself. that's such a shame bc you were a beaautiful person and i really wish you would remember. i also wish that you remembered who i was...

<3love, bc i'm a masicist

Subterranean Homesick Blues

Wed, 16 Dec 2009 15:19:35 GMT

i dunno if i can live with you anymore
i feel like you either try to be my mother
or you're in a bad mood... and are bitchy. i understand bad moods bc i have them too but i feel like you're irritated all the time
it's beginning to irritate me, i love you but really. alot of the time you're nice and you're my best friend here but being told what to do by someone whose barely 20 when you're almost 22 is just plain condescending. i understand that's your job in the dept... but it's not in our room or in life, yelling at me to get a move on when i'm the one driving... that's irritating. sometimes i feel like i'm just better off left to my own devices. i don't want rooming together to ruin a friendship. (im not talking about you juliann if you see this)
and i'm really not as much of a ditz as you make me out to be. i can't wait to go home and spend time with my other friends. who at least respect me. i can't wait to graduate. and go somewhere new.

birthday

Thu, 03 Dec 2009 03:00:24 GMT

it's my birthday soon, i feel old.

truth.

Fri, 13 Nov 2009 18:55:29 GMT

I GIVE UP ON LIFE.

i'm fucking frustrated

Thu, 12 Nov 2009 20:37:28 GMT

and that's pretty much it. sometimes i really wish i went to school for zoology. i like animals better than i like people. or management like for music or something. this shit is really getting to me, i need to climb a mountain, i need to travel, or to hike. i need to get the fuck out of here, i loathe ct. loathe it.

and this school.
my children (if i ever have any) will not go to westconn.
these classes feel like a crock of shit sometimes.
no really, pointless.

i really want something to come up for which i can be positive about.

i feel like

Sun, 08 Nov 2009 21:55:47 GMT

no one write's in these anymore. ha it's bc of twitter. twitter=lame and creepy.

it may be time

Wed, 28 Oct 2009 04:19:46 GMT

you stopped.

ive

Tue, 20 Oct 2009 22:41:04 GMT

been feelin pretty down lately. bleh

it was...

Thu, 15 Oct 2009 18:45:03 GMT

one of the hardest things i've had to do.
but i did it.
it's not that i hate him that's not the case at all
it's not that i don't want to be friends, i wish it was that easy
it's that i like him too much.

and i need to move on man...
it seemed like forever since i've cared
about my own happiness that sounds selfish
but there's a time for everything.

and i don't want to bother you anymore.

<3lovelovelove

i really

Sun, 11 Oct 2009 23:48:55 GMT

am glad that i'm in this show mere mortals, i'm actually having fun- i remember why i liked doing this in the first place and erik tonner is my favorite director, it almost makes me sad i'm a senior ha. everyone has been working together and helping each other and it's been awesome. i am going to admit that some people are irritating me lately which is why i only hand around 2 people. i wish everybody could just be down to earth and not gossip like high schoolers. but it's westconn and people are stupid. so... what the fuck ever. i'm over it and i'm almost free of it. stef, lauren and juliann are my sanity- and are awesome.

what to do next? whatever i want :-)
i miss some people ha

useless energy

Mon, 21 Sep 2009 03:31:28 GMT

you are a misty figure in my mind, a solid shape that has faded over time growing distant. the hours, days, weeks, years gone by- a blur. it's hard to understand you when i don't know what language you speak. It's hard to guess a path to choose, when you're perpetually confused by only words and silence. might i stay forever distant, maybe try to live once more with this. this is silly, this is degenerating, this is not about a fight that was never had. what is it. it is what it is. but i enjoy optimism, it could be better than this. better than it ever had been or hoped to be. questions. me. the memorable touch, the comfortable silence, the wonder of sex... keeps me hooked- makes me keep turning in bed at night after the lonliness and lack of physical contact (SEX!) kicks in. i don't know why i keep it that way. few things keep me on- but it doesnt keep me off of wondering about this.
this shit running through my head at night. with all this useless energy i am listless. i would like to touch you... in places... i would like to feel your collar bones above me, to nibble on the curvature of your neck... while you touch anything or everything, being left to your own imagination. the connection was lost- now the feeling, the feening of any form of this it has it's hold over me. you could have your hold over me... if you want it. there is a need to please, there is a debt to be paid, and i like being on time. maybe there's a she, that's there now making you unwilling to try. please be blunt. i will... have sex with you. i want to be close to your body, the your breathing, to your warmth with all my useless energy.

now? come here please

i'm letting out my frustrations. ;-)

i'm feeling creative

Thu, 17 Sep 2009 01:15:58 GMT

i'm feeling creative again. and there's alot of hope for my own projects this semester. with there only being the musical they have started into effect doing 2 shows a semester plus the directing one acts which alot of us will be directing. this other play is a series of comedies light and fun directed by the talented professor tonner. an awesome person, excited for that cast list. although this experience will be awesome and despite the circumstances i feel it is a great thing to be a part of the split in the dept which they have finally started to recognize between serious straight actors and singers. i am glad we are having an impact in the department. despite this, siobhan and myself are going to try to put into effect a seperate company of actors, one for straight plays. we are going to try for the first time in the dept. to do a production outside of the normal venue and outside of the dept while still being on campus. we are going to attempt to put into effect dr. faustus, a play i have wanted to do since i read it. i want to start directing more so i can start building up a directors portion of my portfolio for grad school. hopefully this will be the first step towards this goal. we want to make the actors also the techies. challenges are that there is no light systme only a chandelier we would have to bring in some sort of light even if it's just a spot. we would also have to work out scheduleing with both shows. and find actors comfortable enough with the material. it is a pretty huge task BUT, i feel like it is definately something worth pursueing for our own learning experience. i am excited.

Wed, 19 Aug 2009 00:17:46 GMT

so this scotland trip is frustrating.
i want to go off on my own but i'm afraid to get lost and we're supposed to be in a buddy system but no one is down to earth, and no one's looking for adventure or wanting to meet new people at all. they are too above that. pretentious is a good word to use. everyone's fighting over stupid petty shit. and i gt yelled at all the time. i was contemplating today having a meeting with sal about wanting to buy a ticket back early. but that's not fair to the people who are not being asholes i just don't think being upset, frustrated and stressed on a trip i worked very hard to pay for is worht it.

scotland, however is a beautiful place.
although i've been feeling quite confrontational lately.
i wish i was here with my friends.
i feel like it would actually be a fucking fantastic time!
maybe some time in the future then.

i miss everyone from home.
and i've been thinking about some things lately...
people i miss... etc.

this makes me realize how much i like down to earth people, my friends
and how much i really enjoyed california!

i saw a clockwork orange done as a play today, and it was awesome
the kid playing alex was amazing. only a few people like it- basically bc those few people were the only ones who understood it and the political aspects of it bc they're seen it or read it...

ahh i miss my friends/family! <3

Thu, 06 Aug 2009 19:41:05 GMT

7 days in counting 'til scotland.
can't wait for that pre-plane panic attack.
but i really am excited about edinburgh castle.
woo

i'm going to get a fish for 4 year old cousin
who got stung in the head by a wasp today :-(
her forhead looked like a baseball was growing
out of it it was so swollen
i love her.

on a different note
why do people always assume i hate them?
i hate no one i'm just frustrated with your attitude
and your alcohol problem that you won't admit you have.

another different note
i miss certain people and certain times
and would really like to get to know you all over again...

Wed, 29 Jul 2009 04:01:22 GMT

the thing is, sad but true
i don't care so much anymore

sometimes i feel like an animal
giving into my urges left and right

it's more amusing this way.

i have no real agenda anymore
other to live my life and breathe in air

i think it's even more amusing when
people think it's all about them

i just am
i am... free as the wind.

i come and go
and that's just how it is

but sometimes i do get curious
and sometimes i do question myself...

what if... i had stayed?
what if it actually worked out?

i know i never stick around long enough to find out
but neither do they.
neither do you.

ah

Mon, 20 Jul 2009 21:53:01 GMT

i feel like a moron ha
and i gots such a sunbuuurn

control yourself, take only what you need from it
countdown to scotland

today was a good day

Sat, 04 Jul 2009 23:51:16 GMT

HAPPY 4TH OF JULY!

hm

Sat, 04 Jul 2009 05:38:00 GMT

i am enjoying the state i'm in right now,
i'm enjoying the feeling

why isn't there anyone online?!
ha

i will...

Fri, 26 Jun 2009 15:56:01 GMT

forget about you.
bc i need to. sorry

i really wish...

Thu, 18 Jun 2009 22:05:21 GMT

you would not move into that loft w/ him.
but you probably will. :-(

bummer bc i miss you
alot

yes!

Tue, 02 Jun 2009 01:29:27 GMT

i am completely irritated by you
you ditched me and made me wait for you for five hours?
WHILE I WAS DRUNK! why wouldn't i be mad at you?
and you act like i'm silly for being mad at you.
if you don't want to hang out don't call me to hang out!
do not say you love me- when you apprently don't even know how to
be friends with me. i feel like i'm the only one putting any effort into being friends
then you say we will hang out the next day... i call you like you want me too
where are you? on a train back to ct. why wouldn't that upset me?

last summer feels like the biggest mistake
fun then, but now i feel more depressed than ever.

and i don't want to talk to anyone.
and all you do is let me down-so not worth it.

the thing that really make me feel silly is that i really believed you were different.

NYC

Sat, 23 May 2009 17:30:58 GMT

show is this week, i'm exciiiited.

<3

Sat, 02 May 2009 15:05:06 GMT

i feel like i' m putting myself together backwards